Compliment and Flattery

I believe that the distinction between flattery and compliment is very thin. It is not what is said but also how it is said. The manner of saying, the choice of words and even the facial expression may change the concept of compliment to flattery. Flattery makes a man suspicious while a compliment makes a man amicable and friendly. It brings the smile back on the person’s face it makes conversations easy and allows trust and faith to grow.

There have been numerous occasioned when either I received a compliment or gave one but my favorite one still continues to be one which I read  about forty years back and was reported to have been given to Helen Hayes in her past fifty regime by a gentleman sitting next to her at the dinner table. The person just turned around and asked “Madame are your daughters beautiful too". Not that you are beautiful, you are pretty, your eyes are beautiful, or you are attractive, or you are graceful just a simple query "Madame are your daughters beautiful too.” It conveyed the whole meaning without having said it.

The other one was while I was at a party standing chatting and enjoying a fruit cocktail when I saw that a gentleman near the window catch an insect in his handkerchief and throw it out of the window. Nothing uncommon in the incident to warrant my attention except that the insect was troubling a rather graceful lady with whom this man was engaged in a conversation. The woman exhibiting her most devastating smile said "thank you very much". Any normal man would have just mumbled some polite reply including myself , if he was in his senses at that time, but this gentleman just returned her smile with one of his own and said " Think nothing of it, I do sincerely wish it was a dragon". I feel this was a most beautiful compliment to be given to a such a graceful lady. My mind at that instant went back to my childhood and the story of "The Princess and the Dragon" flashed in my mind. What a compliment and the manner of saying it? He conveyed everything by this sentence and I felt there was nothing more to be said.

The third incident took place while I had gone to Chandigarh railway station to see off my son going to Delhi by Shatabdi express. A tall white haired gentleman in his seventies was trying to push two large heavy suitcases through the door. He accepted my offer of help and we went inside the compartmentand i kept the suitcase just before his seat no1. After settling my son in his seat, while going out I saw the same gentleman struggling to keep the suitcases on the rack above the seats. I offered my help again and the person gave me a wonderful smile and in most polished manner accepted the offer of help. After putting the suitcases the person in his most polished English said" Thank you for helping an old man". I exhibited my most friendly smile and replied" I am sorry but I did not help you because you are an old man but I helped you because I am a gentleman” The smile and his facial expression was all that was needed to make my day. The invitation to come to his office and factory to give a talk on the art of compliment and etiquette was the dressing which was free of cost.

The next incident happened while I was on a visit to Coimbatore  and decided to pay a visit to my old Alma matter the Air Force Administrative College(AFAC). Finally, after a prolonged search I managed to locate the telephone number of the Met faculty as it has been almost 20 years since I last went to AFAC. I was very apprehensive about the type of reception I will get. I finally picked up the phone and spoke to one of the instructor, a youngster whom I had never met personally. I tried of explain who I was , my course and other details but the person just cut me off by  saying that he knows me very well, even though he never had the occasion to meet me or work under me and requested me to come to the faculty. When we sat down over a cup of tea in his office, where other instructors and staff also came to meet me, he said something which not only made my day but also formed a bond that never existed before. He said “Sir, who in Met branch does not know you and it is irrelevant for you to give your introduction. You are an icon and all of us still talk about you. You were so successful while you are in Air Force and we still talk of your achievements. The most important part is that after leaving air force you have started another career afresh and here also you have been equally successful, which is very rare."

There have been numerous other occasions where either I heard a person trying to flatter other or trying his level best to flatter a girl or a lady. I do not know which is more important, a short course in the art of giving compliments or a short course in the detection and avoidance of flattery. As I said earlier, the dividing line is very thin and it is difficult to detect, recognize and avoid it.