Compliment and Flattery

I believe that the distinction between flattery and compliment is very thin. It is not what is said but also how it is said. The manner of saying, the choice of words and even the facial expression may change the concept of compliment to flattery. Flattery makes a man suspicious while a compliment makes a man amicable and friendly. It brings the smile back on the person’s face it makes conversations easy and allows trust and faith to grow.

There have been numerous occasioned when either I received a compliment or gave one but my favorite one still continues to be one which I read  about forty years back and was reported to have been given to Helen Hayes in her past fifty regime by a gentleman sitting next to her at the dinner table. The person just turned around and asked “Madame are your daughters beautiful too". Not that you are beautiful, you are pretty, your eyes are beautiful, or you are attractive, or you are graceful just a simple query "Madame are your daughters beautiful too.” It conveyed the whole meaning without having said it.

The other one was while I was at a party standing chatting and enjoying a fruit cocktail when I saw that a gentleman near the window catch an insect in his handkerchief and throw it out of the window. Nothing uncommon in the incident to warrant my attention except that the insect was troubling a rather graceful lady with whom this man was engaged in a conversation. The woman exhibiting her most devastating smile said "thank you very much". Any normal man would have just mumbled some polite reply including myself , if he was in his senses at that time, but this gentleman just returned her smile with one of his own and said " Think nothing of it, I do sincerely wish it was a dragon". I feel this was a most beautiful compliment to be given to a such a graceful lady. My mind at that instant went back to my childhood and the story of "The Princess and the Dragon" flashed in my mind. What a compliment and the manner of saying it? He conveyed everything by this sentence and I felt there was nothing more to be said.

The third incident took place while I had gone to Chandigarh railway station to see off my son going to Delhi by Shatabdi express. A tall white haired gentleman in his seventies was trying to push two large heavy suitcases through the door. He accepted my offer of help and we went inside the compartmentand i kept the suitcase just before his seat no1. After settling my son in his seat, while going out I saw the same gentleman struggling to keep the suitcases on the rack above the seats. I offered my help again and the person gave me a wonderful smile and in most polished manner accepted the offer of help. After putting the suitcases the person in his most polished English said" Thank you for helping an old man". I exhibited my most friendly smile and replied" I am sorry but I did not help you because you are an old man but I helped you because I am a gentleman” The smile and his facial expression was all that was needed to make my day. The invitation to come to his office and factory to give a talk on the art of compliment and etiquette was the dressing which was free of cost.

The next incident happened while I was on a visit to Coimbatore  and decided to pay a visit to my old Alma matter the Air Force Administrative College(AFAC). Finally, after a prolonged search I managed to locate the telephone number of the Met faculty as it has been almost 20 years since I last went to AFAC. I was very apprehensive about the type of reception I will get. I finally picked up the phone and spoke to one of the instructor, a youngster whom I had never met personally. I tried of explain who I was , my course and other details but the person just cut me off by  saying that he knows me very well, even though he never had the occasion to meet me or work under me and requested me to come to the faculty. When we sat down over a cup of tea in his office, where other instructors and staff also came to meet me, he said something which not only made my day but also formed a bond that never existed before. He said “Sir, who in Met branch does not know you and it is irrelevant for you to give your introduction. You are an icon and all of us still talk about you. You were so successful while you are in Air Force and we still talk of your achievements. The most important part is that after leaving air force you have started another career afresh and here also you have been equally successful, which is very rare."

There have been numerous other occasions where either I heard a person trying to flatter other or trying his level best to flatter a girl or a lady. I do not know which is more important, a short course in the art of giving compliments or a short course in the detection and avoidance of flattery. As I said earlier, the dividing line is very thin and it is difficult to detect, recognize and avoid it.   

Tea Bag, Baby Giraffe and Other Stories

I was reading a book, which I had picked up some time back from a street vendor but got a chance to read it now only. I had picked up the book not because of the author or the title of the book but just because it had a foreword by Rahul Dravid.  In my opinion, a gentleman professional, who put the game before himself? Who, choose to coach the under 19 team, rather than take up the lucrative job of Indian cricket team coach.  Well, that is another story to tell.

I am talking about Prakash Iyer’s book “The Secret of Leadership” published by Penguin. After leaving Air Force rather early I went to set up about five factories and then did not accept the offer by the American Company which had purchased the business to relocate to their headquarters in USA but choose to come and share my experiences with the students by teaching in Management and Engineering colleges. One of my habits was to introduce the topic by giving out a small story and from the lesson of the story introduce the topic and initiate teaching and discussion.

The book contains a number of small stories, about 60 of these, and from these Prakash has managed to draw beautiful management lessons. There is no starting and end point but you can read any story and then go back to the next one as you please. The book is as the author says is a salad bar and you could start from anywhere and finish anywhere depending on your choice and preferences and still end up being satisfied and happy because everything is good in it. They are all independent. The first story “Leadership lessons from a Tea Bag” was amazing and I kept wondering as to how many lessons can one draw from such a mundane thing as a tea bag, which is normally used and thrown away without any remorse or thinking. Thank you Prakash for the beautiful story and the 10 leadership lessons one can learn from a tea bag. Well, I fully agree with you that most of us simply do not use all the gears in our multi geared cycle.

Two other interesting stories and the lessons which one can learn from are of baby giraffe and lessons from a driver. Both of these are equally amazing but the tea bag definitely stands out and takes the cake. The other stories, a tale of two seas, a 500 rupee note and two lessons, put the glass down, the power of hope, when one door shuts, run with your mind not just your legs, the frog and the TV tower, hold the door open and lessons from Burger University are good and interesting to read.  I always felt very annoyed when my car got a scratch and felt depressed and an urge to get it corrected but thank you Prakash for helping me to understand that I should let the scratch stay where it is and rather focus on enjoying my ride. Overall, I thoroughly enjoyed the book and learned a lot from it. I also endorse the views expressed by Rahul about giving the book to my children and grandchildren to read. The beauty of the book is to give out something as serious as leadership lessons or tip for success by picking up mundane objects and making out a story and from what you see, hear or have experienced into a beautiful story and lessons which can always remembered through the story. We always remember the stories but often forget the morale or lessons from it and this book make it a point that you will remember the lessons just because of these interesting and inspiring stories.

A, book definitely worth buying, keeping and gifting.

Crime, Armed Forces and High Court

                                 

1. Yesterday in the news papers a judgement of the Delhi High Court was reported which concerned a cadet who was undergoing training in Air Force Academy. The judgement though very humanitarian and may go well in the normal public life, but when looked in the light of the requirement of the qualities which an officers should have in the armed forces, does not look correct.

2. The facts of the matter as reported in the newspaper are that a cadet in the Air Force Academy stole the ATM card of another cadet an then used it to withdraw Rs.5000/= from his account. When the cadet came to know of the theft and withdrawal of money from his account, he reported the matter to his instructor as he is required and taught to do. An assembly was called and the theft of ATM card and withdrawal of money was informed to all cadets undergoing training. The person responsible for the theft was asked to own up the theft of ATM card and money but nobody came out to own it up.  Some time was given to all to think over it and own it up either in the assembly or later on in private to the authorities, but nobody came forward. Next day the cadet, whose ATM card was stolen found a note under his pillow where the person owned up the theft by saying he was a friend and he stole it as he needed the money. The note was anonymous with no signature.  However, with the handwriting the Air Force authorities were able to find the cadet who committed the theft and a disciplinary proceedings were initiated against and he was asked to leave the Academy as he does not possess Office Like qualities(OLQ). The matter was not reported to police as the authorities did not wish criminal proceedings against the cadet an to put a black mark against hi future life outside Air Force. It was a good humanitarian gesture on their part. The cadet in his defense said that he had no intention of stealing and he had Rs.13000/= in his account but his ATM was blocked and he needed the money and hence he theft. It will be pertinent to state that the whole training cost including cost of stay, food, uniform, cycle, etc are met by the Air Force and there is no requirement of cash unless the person wants  to go to city 40 Km away and enjoy, which is also possible once a week and only after proper permission.  The person stole the ATM and money whereas he could have easily taken a loan from his friends in Academy or requested the instructors. He choose o steal only gives out his mindset and intentions. He stole the money as well did not have the courage to own it up at any stage when given a chance is an unpardonable act in armed forces and only points o very low OLQ of the person.

The high Court in their judgment as reported in newspapers stated that the punishment was not commensurate with the offense and the cadet is to be reinstated back in the Academy to finish his training and get commission. The court further said that there was no charge against the cadet during last three years of his training (Probably he was Ex NDA cadet who opted for Air Force) and it was his first offense and he should be given a chance to repent his mistake. I do not know what all arguments took place in the court but looking only at the judgement it was a humanitarian judgement and the court tried to save the future of the person and will be well appreciated in civil life. The Judges probably were carried away from the requirements in ordinary civil life and had no inkling of requirements of the Armed Forces. In my opinion they have done more harm to the person than would have been done if they had upheld the dismissal from training. The armed forces depend very heavily on the trust which subordinates and the fellow officers including the senior’s place on an individual. With this person this trust will always will be missing. The problems faced by the person will be:-

1. He will not be able to get the trust of subordinates and fellow officers as he will always be a thief in their mind. This is the most important aspect of the life in Armed Forces.

2.  Will I have him under me or to command me, absolutely not?

3. His Confidential report will always be low on OLQ, hence his chances of promotion will be severely affected.

4.  Irrespective of where he gets posted his reputation will precede him.

5. Will his subordinates look up to him as an example to follow, sadly no?

6. Will he get important assignments or postings, very doubtful?

In total his career and life in Air Force will be very painful unless he is made of thick skin. He reminds me of the qualities and character described by Chin- Ning Chu in her famous book “ Thick Face Black Heart and her advice to all corporate world to be aware, avoid, shun  and be careful of such persons .